Coffee, Kisses and Memories of the Past
by ryskenharuka178
Summary: A story of Bucky and Steve's relationship as they cope with him being the Winter Soldier and not remembering anything about his past except for flashbacks and the killing of Tony Stark's parents.
1. Chapter 1

Warnings: References to violence and war, Swearing (Foreign languages like Russian mentioned) and PTSD, Slight Strong sex references

Winter Soldier's P.O.V:

I hurt him, whowever he is as he pulls me onto his body so that I'm straddling him so I don't collapse fully on him while he takes hold of the back of my head sifting a gloved hand through it whispering a name in my ear I don't know " Bucky. Bucky." like a mantra.

My heart is pounding against my ribcage and my breath is coming in laboured gasps as memories of things I can't describe and faces that I can't name appear then trickle away like water through a sieve while this man - this unknown man- holds me close to his body which for some strange reason feels weird as though I been held this way before a long time ago but I can't remember when and why.

" Let me go. Just let me go." I say and I manage to get free stumbling upwards then backwards into a wall which I lean against for support my chest rising and falling under my armour as he gets up with ease wincing slightly at his pained ribs.

He comes up to me and I turn my face away not wanting to look at this man who my orders were to kill and eliminate as soon as possible then feel a hand take hold of my cheek caressing it gently making me tremble at the touch.

He leans forward and I flinch away from him suddenly feeling as though I'm about to faint and slide down the alleywall as my vision begins to spin round and round then feel blackness succumb my vision and remember nothing.

The sound of voices talking makes me awake and I flutter my eyes open weakly waiting for my vision to clear then see I'm in a bedroom and laying in a bed which I swing my legs out of then place my feet on the floor. I sit there on the bed holding it's side and look around the room then see on the bedside table is a picture propped up against the lampstand so reach over to have a look at it. It shows two men both at a table in a bar drinking and smiling while one has his arm around the blond haired one while I flip it to read what's on the back which makes me tremble and tears fill my eyes as I read the words which as I do read I can hear the voice speaking in my head.

 _Dear Steve,_

 _I enjoyed last night at the bar and afterwards when we were back at your apartment when you showed me what Erskine had made you into. I remember how you kissed me and we fall to the bed where we made love, so passionate and fill of happiness that I cried softly in your arms as we made more love. I don't want to leave for this mission that been assigned but I must._

 _Yours, James Buchanan Barnes ( Your Bucky)_

 _P.S: I love you, Steve_

It finished there and placed it back in it's original place just as the bedroom door opened and he came in seeing the photo had been moved then I looked up at him as he came up to me while behind I could see a man wearing a leather coat and a eyepatch was sitting in a armchair while I woman stood next to him holding a bunch of files.

"What do they want to know?" I asked forgetting he probably didn't understand Russian and he looked at me frowning slightly so I tried again this time in English. " What do they want to know?"

"Some questions." was all he said and I nodded silently then asked him quietly if I could use the shower as there was a bathroom which connected to the bedroom.

Placing both hands on the tiled wall I lowered my head allowing the shower water to run down my body, washing away the grime, the blood and everything else that had imprinted itself on my skin then suddenly gasped as a memory flashed before my eyes sending pain shooting through my head.

 **Flashback**

 _"Look at me." A voice whispers but I don't respond then a hand slaps me across the face hard splitting my lip in the process drawing blood which trickles down the side of my lip and down my chin then I look up at the man who slapped me._

 _Hard, cold eyes stare at me and I flinch as he leans into me his breath hot against my neck as I've turned my head not wanting to look at him making him grab my chin forcefully turning it so I'm made to look at him._

 _He digs his nails into my cheeks making wince at the pain then surges forward smashing his lips into mine making me bite his lip and pull so he releases me which he does with a cry of shock and suprise._

 _I scramble off the bed and run out through the door, down the corridor knowing he is following close behind while my heart thuds against my ribcage as I now run down the stairs hearing him shout from the top of the long flight of stairs at two gaurds who at front door who now see me rush at me._

 _Heading down the corridor I'm near, I'm suddenly bowled over by a guard in a room and we crash through the toliet's door which splinters at the impact then fall to the polished floor sending pain shooting up my spine which knocks the breath out of me as I make impact with it. Grabbing the swiss army knife from it's holder on my leg I stab the guard in the side making him cry out in pain and gets off me while I scramble upwards watching as his blood coats his fingers as he holds a hand to wound._

 _Gritting his teeth, he decides to rush at me and I'm grabbed as he then dashes me up against the tiled wall hard while I cry out at the pain that shoots through my spine - which is already in pain from impacting with the floor -at the impact which makes some of the white tiles shatter and fall to the ground._

 _The guard lets go of me and I slide down the wall while he stands there looking at me the knife which I had dropped laying near his feet but I can't move to reach it then he turns as the rest of the guards in the building appear at the broken doorway and begin talking between themselves._

 _The words they say echo and re-echo around me and I don't remember even standing up grabbing the knife and I forget everything that eveything that happened next._

 _When I came out the red mist or haze, the only sound that I can hear is my heart thudding against my ribcage and the water from the broken sinks hitting the floor while around me the bodies of the guards their blood spreading out beneath their bodies mixing with the water lay. I had killed these men single-handly without stopping and I feel the knife I'm holding slip out of my hand, hitting the wet floor with a soft splash just as he comes to the door with two guards behind him who look inside seeing the dead bodies and me standing there drenched in blood and water._

 **End of Flashback**

The man with the eyepatch when I came through now in a pair of fresh clothes which I had been left for me on the bed when I came out of the shower, stands up and places out his hand while I try to calm my nerves as one eye stares at me, flicking up and down.

"Director Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D. But I'm guessing you already been briefed about that by whoever you work for." He says in fluent Russian while I after shaking his hand sit down in the armchair across from him.

"Your wasting your time. I won't answer any of your questions." I said making him look at me as I stood up and headed to the front door deciding I needed to leave but just as I'm about to reach for the handle I feel his hand grab my wrist stopping me.

I turn to face Steve - as he's called- seeing the look on his face and sign softly knowing if I back out of this and run away from it I'll never remember my past I shared with him so allow him to lead me back to the armchair where I sit down.

After answering Director Fury's questions, I now stand near the window with my arms crossed while Steve busies himself in the kitchen preparing coffee for the both of us. Outside down below on the snow covered pavement and road which is empty of cars at the moment two little boys play in the snow laughing and messing about like all children too then I turn as Steve now holding steaming cups of coffee comes up to me.

He looks at me as he places both mugs on the windowsill and comes round while I wonder what he is doing then feel his arms wrap around my waist to hold me tight against him reassuring himself I'm really here safe and not a figment of imagination. I turn my head to look at him and a light blush rises on both our cheeks as we lean forward uncertain at first then feeling more bolder we place our lips against each others.

Breathless pants soon come from us as we probe each other's mouths with our tongues and I feel my body down below begin to heat up then I whirl round and grab him dashing him up against the wall hard knocking picture down which crashes to floor the glass tinkling as it cracks and falls out. I hitch up his thighs around my waist and bend my head down to his fine supple neck which he tilts back a small gasp of pleasure escaping him while with my hand I undo the buttons of his shirt to reveal the perfect chest with no scars or blemishes on it.

Lifting my head from his neck , I see that his face is flushed with sweat and that there is a slight blush on his cheeks while I can feel down below near my own groin the ever definite bulge in his trousers indicating that he is aroused by this. Taking him from the wall, I carry him to the bedroom the white bed ready and waiting for us.

"Wait,Bucky. The coffee it will get cold." Steve says as were about to go into the bedroom but I don't care at the moment all my body is telling me to do is get him naked and under me while I do what I've not done in a long time.

"Deosn't matter there are other ways to heat up the body without Coffee." I said my voice going husky as I needed him now and not later the Coffee could be remade depending on how long we decided to go for then smash my lips into his muffling his protests as we finally go inside the bedroom where I close the door with my foot.

Underneath the covers now, our clothes laying on the floor, I undulate my hips back and forth resting my forehead against his while he holds the back of my head entangling with my hair as I make love to him. The only sounds being in room are breathless gasps and the sound of my name being repeated again and again like a mantra as I do so then my body tenses making me give a small grunt as I arch my back slightly as I release from the pressure that has been building inside me.

"Haa...Steve..haa." I whisper as I do so and gently collapse on top of him as I come down from the high, laying there my breath now coming in short gasps as I try to get it back while he now strokes a hand through my now slightly damp hair.

I get off him and lay on my back next to him feeling my chest rise and fall then I close my eyes blocking out the light streaming through a gap in blinds as I now feel to physically sated and exhausted to do anything else but sleep. His hand slings over my chest as he snuggles up to me and I left my arm up to allow him to rest his head on my shoulder then I feel myself slip into blissful sleep.

The smell of coffee being prepared rouses me from my blissful sleep and I flutter my eyes open, seeing that Steve has left the door open so I can see that he hasn't gone far and is only in the kitchen. Placing the pillows against the headboard I sit up as he comes back through with two cups of coffee and sits down on the bed which dips slightly as he does so then he hands me a mug.

"Thanks." I mumble looking at him, watching his muscles arch as he moves closer beside me and feel my heart skip a beat at as he does so.

Why do I feel this way for this man that I can barely remember, then it hits me.

I stare at his defined jawline which looks like its been sculpted by a Greek artist, his beautiful blue eyes which seem to stare into my soul as though he can read it then I see it- the small crescent like scar on his cheek - making me look down at my hand and see the missing scrap of nail while remembering slowly he wasn't trying to kill me he was ... he was trying to save me. But from what? From other people who would harm me or from ...I couldn't think.

"Bucky, are you alright? You look pale?" He says suddenly bringing me out of thoughts and I place the mug down on the bedside drawers then slide out of the bed.

I manage to reach the sink and grip it for support as I hunch over it, breathing heavily and hear him come up to me then I feel him take hold of my chin, turning it so I look at him. A thumb touches my lip, brushing over it while I feel my bottem lip quiver at the touch but he doesn't need to do any more because suddenly his phone that is on the kitchen unit begins to ring.

As he slips away to answer it, I go back through to the bedroom and while he answers it, begin to pick up the clothes that are laying on the ground when suddenly say something which makes me look up at him.

 _"No, Tony. It's just complicated, okay."_

 _"Is it, Steven, you do know that he is dangerous and he was experimented on. How do you know that, this man is really Bucky."_

 _"I don't. It's just that..."_

 _"Just what? That just because he survived falling off a train might mean that your friend Bucky is still in there. Don't kid yourself, Steven."_

 _"Stark.."_

I didn't hear the rest because he went further into the kitchen and I decided I needed a shower at the moment so headed into the bathroom, placing the clothes in the washbasket as I passed it while thinking who was this Tony Stark he was talking to because the name sounded familair yet I couldn't remember anything that would make me remember this man.

After placing the clothes in the washbucket, I feel suddenly so tired due to the caffeine in my system and head to the bed, pulling the covers back then slip under them just as he comes back in the bedroom. He looks at me quietly without saying anything and slowly I watch as he takes his clothes off, allowing them to fall to the floor then he crawls onto the bed flinging the covers off me as he does so.

Breathing heavily as he crawls up to me on his hands and knees, I take hold of the back of his head entangling my hand with his hair while he now takes hold of me lifting me up onto my knees while he gets up on his own then I kiss him breathlessly, relishing in the feeling of doing so because it feels so right being here safe in his arms, having him hold me and remind of what we shared together all those years ago when we were young men in uniforms.

Now walking through Manhattan park, his arm around my waist, I listen to him talk about certain things like how to use ATM machine for his credit card, eating Mexican food after the Battle of Manhattan and having me back in his life which made me rest his head on his shoulder as we passed a old couple who smiled at us - as they saw two people who were not afraid of showing themselves in public- then we came round a corner to secluded spot which had a bench hidden by a hedge which the both of us sit down on.

"You know I love you." I said and he looked at down at me then I lifted my my head up to look at him while he took hold of my cheek then leaned down to kiss me, softly and gently which made me take hold of his jacket as we do so.

We were so absorbed in the kiss that I didn't hear the sound of someone coming up to us until there was a light cough breaking the pleasurable haze we were in and I felt Steve let go of my lips while I now saw who had disturbed us. A man wearing a black suit and a earpiece stands there making me, looking at the both of us but I notice has a sad look on his face meaning that Steve might have to go off somewhere leaving me alone.

"Agent Coulson." I hear Steve say to the man quietly who looks at him and then at me, his eyes roaming up and down but not in a sexual way more in a analysed way as though I'm something that is been studied under a microscope.

"Director Fury called in all Avengers, Captain. Something has come up which concerns private matters." was all he said while Steve nodded silently then stood making me look at him shakely because we were just slowly allowing ourselves to be together then he leaned down, kissing me breathlessly which made grip him tight to me not wanting to let go but I knew that I had to.

"Coulson, would you mind taking, Bucky, home?." He asked while the man nodded silently in reply and I watched quietly as Steve walked off then disappeared from my sight making want to go after him and be with him in case anything happened to him.

Now back in Steve's apartment, I sit in one of the armchair's staring into space while Agent Coulson - as he is called- makes himself a cup of tea, the only sound being the sound of the spoon clinking against the sides of the mug as he stirs the sugar in. I don't trust this agent in front of me, this private matter could be just be distraction to keep Steve away so that I could be interrogated or ask questions about our relationship. I watch now quietly as Agent Coulson takes a sip then places it down on the table as he does so while his earpiece suddenly crackles making him place a hand to his ear but I don't hear anything meaning that he was listening attentively to the person on the other side or had sensed someone I was now listening and watching him.

He takes his hand from his ear and turns then comes to the armchair in front of me,sitting down in it. My metal arm now rests on the armrest and I feel it tick slightly making some of my fingers move which he notices, his eyes watching almost like a hawk waiting as it hovers in the air for a sigh of prey to appear. Its a waiting game seeing who will make the first move then he does it.

My wrist - on my fleshed arm - is grabbed and held in way a Doctor would read one's pulse then he looks up at me while I wait shakely for him to begin.

"What is your connection with, Steve Rogers?" He asks plainly and simply to begin with but still holding my wrist so he can register is there is any change in my pulse.

"He is someone from my past. " I answer weakly feeling my voice begin to break slightly as I do so which he notices, he is assessing and analysing me so that will go down when he writes his notes up afterwards.

"What is last thing you remember?" He asks and the flashback comes so fast that I gasp weakly at the pain as I see myself falling down and down while hearing my name being screamed by Steve then the jolting pain followed by the blissful darkness.

" I don't remember anything." I lie instead to cover the truth but he tightens his hand round my wrist making think that there would be a bruise there where he had gripped afterwards then give him a look as I feel tears blind my eyes slightly.

"I will ask again, what is last thing you remember. " He asks again but I shake my head in denial, not wanting to ask the questions and stand up while he watches quietly then I hear the front door being opened.

Steve comes in while Agent Coulson stands up from the armchair, while my lover- yes he was my lover- comes up to me and takes hold of me, while I immediatly bury my face into his chest feeling him take hold of the back of my head, entangling with hair, sifting his hand through to reassure me that everything is alright when in reality it is not.

Afterwards, when Agent Coulson had left, I headed to the bedroom while Steve come in behind me and closed the door quietly behind him then came up to me as I tried to will my heart to stop pounding against my ribcage. This was Steve- the man from my past, the man who I played with when I was a child and the man I love deep down inside - not some Imposter wearing a mask, neither is it a clone of him. It's the real him made out of flesh and blood as he now pulls me flush against him then he slides a hand under the tank top I wear, ruffling it up as to expose my chest while I wonder if I should do this.

Allow him to make love to me, remind of what we once had when we were together and how it had felt to be together. Yet, something felt wrong and I wrenched myself free from him while he now stood there watching me.

"Bucky." He says, quietly and came up behind me while I try to think what was wrong, was it because of what H.Y.D.R.A had done to me that I didn't want to.

He suddenly turns me around and has takes hold of my arms, covering my lips which muffles my protest that I had begin to make, while I now bring my hands up to push him gently off me. He doesn't continue to kiss me, just still holds my arms as I turn my face away from to look at the floor.

What was happening to me? Why was I feeling suddenly so awkward inside? Was it because I couldn't remember anything of what we shared, had once done together in the time of the war. I felt empty, like a time-turner without the sand pouring through it.

Could I love him? Would my memories came back in time? Would S.H.I.E.L.D or either H.Y.D.R.A leave us alone?

The sudden distant ringing of his phone, brings me out of my thoughts and he lets go of me, sliding his hands down my arms as he does so then goes out the bedroom to answer it.

Now wrapping my arms around myself, I begin to feel my body start to tremble as tears start to form in my eyes and run down my cheeks heavily, as I allow my emotions to overcome me. It hurts inside and I feel hitched sobs now came from me, while Steve somehow sensing is wrong cames up to me. He takes hold of me and we gently fall onto the bed, where he holds me as I curl into a tight ball to block out all sound except the beating of my heart against ribcage.

I must of fallen asleep at some point, because when I woke up there was no sigh of Steve in the bedroom, but I could hear clattering in the kitchen meaning that he was preparing dinner as I now checked the time on the clock that was on the bedside cabinet, seeing that it was 18:45. I lay there now, just listening to him put the radio on and rise up slightly as I hear the strands of a piece of music play, which makes me slide off the bed.

Steve turns his head to look at me as I came to the kitchen area as he stirs - whatever he is cooking in the pot - while I listen to the music then he stops what he is doing. He cames over and I feel take hold of me, like a man does when he and woman choose to dance then he slowly begins to move with me to the music, while reminding of another time, in another apartment when we did this together.

"We danced like this, when it was your birthday. You taught me how to dance." I said, while he nodded at me as I rested my head on his chest.

We danced until the song had ended and he let go to check the pot while I clear stuff off the sitting room table, finding as I do so - a sketchpad - which makes me go over to the armchair and sit dowm to have a look at it, feeling as I open it Steve calmly watching me as he now cuts up the vegetables for whatever he is making. The drawings he has done are of me when I was "James Buchanan Barnes" in my soldier's outfit, sleeping on the couch or my arm around someone I didn't know, while I noticed he had drawn the figure a certain way as though faded slighty like in a photo when focusing on the main person which in this drawing was me. Others showed me in bed, the cover resting my hips while my chest was revealed and I had my head laid to one side, a hand clasp slightly then I came to one that showed me, pouting the artist who had drawn me while doing seductive pose on the bed for fun.

Closing it, I got up placing it on the small coffee table as I did so and went over to him while he now got the plates out the cupboard so that they were ready for the meal he had prepared, while I stood there just watching as he now served the food then carried the two plates over to the large table. I go over to him and see that he has made spagetti and meatballs with some vegetables so pull a seat out, while he goes back to the kitchen and goes to one of the cupboards where he takes out a bottle of white wine - which is North Eastern Austrailian - then brings it over with two wine glasses.

He sits down and places a glass in front of me, unscrewing the cap of the wine bottle then pours a small measure so I don't get to lightheaded after I have it.

We eat in silence because I can't think of what to say to him. So the only sounds are clinking of cutlery and occasional sip of the wine fills the room, but I don't mind it as I now twist the spagetti around my fork then place it in my mouth, chewing it slowly so I don't get indigestion along with the piece of meatball. I swallow and pick up my glass, finishing off what is left it, while he calmly watches as I place it down then sit there, just enjoying that fact that I've had good meal.

"Bucky, are you okay?" He asks, while I look up at him, because I now feel lighthead all of a sudden and look up at him, as he gets out of his chair then get out my chair as I go over to the kitchen sink to grip as I feel my stomach heave.

What made me feel ill? Was it because I was thinking about what would happened to us? Would we always be together ? I didn't know the answers as Steve now handed me a glass of water, which I took to wash down the acidic taste in mouth then placed it down on the counter next to the sink, while he took hold of me and led me to the bedroom, where he laid me down on the bed.

I feel so very tired now that I grab the pillow and hug it like a surrogate teddy as I rest my head on it, while Steve strokes a strand of slightly damp hair from my forehead and tucks it behind my ear then I let go off the pillow and roll onto my back while he looks at me.

"I want...you..to...make love to me." I said, quietly in the stillness off the room knowing that I may regret the decision afterwards.

But we needed this. I needed this, to know what it felt like to be with him as he now slid the jeans off as he had already taken off the belt along with my boxers then his hand slid downwards under my thigh. He lifts it so he can hold it in the crook of his elbow, while I wish he take off his clothes so I didn't get chafing from his jeans, but I have no time to tell him, because suddenly he pushes his hips forward making me give a hitched gasp at the feeling of being filled by him.

It hurts, as I grip the sheets with my metal hand and take hold of the back of his shirt as he now begins to undulate his hips back and forth, in and out gently and slowly, while I now turn my face away because the pain of it is too much. There is also pleasure as I pant weakly and he grunts with each thrust he gives as makes love to me, but for some reason all I can feel is the pain inside.

I move my hand and place it on his chest, which makes me him stop what he is doing, while he lowers my leg then now longer feeling the pain, lay him down flat on my body. Sliding my hands down, I take hold of his hips and begin to move him myself, feeling him gasp weakly in my ear as I make him slide in and out of me, while I sweat now begins to run down both our bodies as we soon set a motion where he moves his hips in synch with mine.

There the only sounds in the bedroom, while his hands either side of my waist are gripping the sheets for support as gasps and pants weakly then he arches his back, giving a small cry while I hold him tight to me as I feel him release from his orgasm into me. He shakes again, fisting his hands into the sheets it washes over him then as he comes down from his high, looking now flushed with sweat while too weak to hold himself up, I pull him down flat on my body while he lays his head on my chest as his breathing now comes in laboured gasp as he tries to get it back.

Sifting my hand through his now slightly damp hair, while he pulls out of me and lays back down between my legs, I now pull the blanket up around us then kiss his forehead softly, which makes him lift his head so that soon were kissing. I move my lips against is as he does the same, then he lets go to lay his head back down on my chest.

"Sleep, Steve." I whisper, quietly in his ear and soon hear the sounds of gentle snuffling as he falls asleep while I decide to to the same, so allow my eyes to slip close and Morpheus come drag me to dreamland.

 **Flashback:**

 _"Well, it seems my little test worked. Take him, upstairs." The man says, while the two gaurds with him come up to me then take hold me, while I feel numb all a sudden._

 _I had just killed three men, who now lay on the tiled surface as their lifeblood now mixed with water on the floor, which was now slowly draining away down a drain hold. The knife that I had used as I was taken out the room, I watched as he picked it up got out a hankerchief then gave it a wipe then was being led back upstairs to the room, where inside they led me over to chair and made me sit in while he come in then indicated them to leave, which they did._

 _Now alone with man, he comes up to me and takes hold of my wrist on my normal arm like a doctor when reading one's pulse then leans forward, which makes me lower my head because I wish not to look at him - look at those eyes which will continue to haunt me for the rest of my life- then feel his hand stroke my cheek lightly._

 _"You enjoyed killing those men, didn't you?" He asks, while I wonder if I should tell the truth or tell a lie to hide the fact that deep down a part of me enjoyed killing those men._

 _"No." I say at first then say again. "No, Sir." while I know and he knows by the way that he is reading my pulse that I'm not telling the truth, so tightens his grip slightly which makes me give a small whimper as I feel tears blind my eyes at the pain of it._

 _"Lair, your pulse is racing like mad. Give me the right answer, soldier." He growls, while I shake my head because I don't want to give him the answer then with his free hand I feel him slap me across the face hard which splits my bottem lip in the process, drawing blood which soon trickles down the side of my lip._

 _"Yes, Sir. " I said, my voice breaking as I do so while he smirks at me - a wide grinned smirk showing off his pearly white teeth then with the hand he slapped me with, grabs my chin and turns it so I stare into his eyes._

 _"Good, your learning, my little, Fraulin." He says, as he bends down and covers my lips with his, holding my chin so I don't try to escape, but I'm to weak to do that then lets go of my lips as I start to feel faint._

 _He lifts me out the chair and cradling me bridal style, takes me over to the bed where he lays me down on it, then as I lay my head to one side I feel him distantly begin to slide off the leather trousers along with the boxers I wear. He parts my legs forcefully and I distance myself so I don't respond to him as he now undulates his hips back and forth, while I lay there just staring into space as harsh grunts fill the stillness of the room._

 _I will never be his and if he thinks I will then he can think again as I feel his body tense as he releases from the pressure into me then he pulls out. I hear him get put off the bed, while he now his breath comes in laboured gasps as he tries to get it back then I hear the sound of the bedroom door slamming shut as he goes out the room._

 _Now alone in the room, I curl into a tight ball, blocking out all external sound except for the beating of my heart against my ribcage while allowing the comforting darkness to drag me down to the abyss where the monster of the deep lurks._

 **End of Flashback**

I shoot up gasping weakly, while feeling my heart pound against my ribcage as sweat now runs down my body in thick riveluets as I place my head in my hands as I begin to breathe shakely then I feel a hand touch my shoulder which makes me grab the person by the throat, tightening my metal hand around it while they now gasp weakly.

Hands suddenly grab my wrist and as in realisation what I'm doing I release Steve's throat while starting to panic then get off the bed, going into the bathroom where flicking the switch on for the sink mirror I grip the sink for support then feel my stomach heave at what I've just done to him.

How could I do something to someone who knew about my past and loved me so much, yet knew nothing of what H.Y.D.R.A had done to me. The endless experiments to see if I could kill a man, extort information and threaten even the most powerful war leaders in the world.

Did he even know about the people that I had laid with all because of H.Y.D.R. A's brainwashing? No, he didn't and he never would because I wouldn't tell him until he was ready to be told.

I run a tap and splash my face while seeing out the corner of my eye that he is watching me while propped up on one elbow while his hand rests on his hip while I now look at myself in the mirror. Shadows are under my eyes and I look haggard as though I've not been sleeping properly which wasn't true I hadn't, but that memory of that man who I knew was out there waiting for a moment when I stepped onto his radar so I was back in his control.

I hear Steve, slide out the bed and come into the bathroom where he comes up behind then wraps his arms around me, while I resting his cheek on my shoulder. Here he was showing that even though I wasn't the same man from that time, he still loved me no matter what had been done to me.

 **Flashback**

 _ **1991 - Location Unknown**_

 _"Howard... ..God..Howard."_

 _A man, with thinning grey hair looks up at him, as he breathes heavily underneath the armor to obey one rule which is to get rid of the two people or make the dash for it._

 _He can feel his arm - the metal one that holds the man's throat, start to shake. But he must obey what he is commanded to do, yet he finds he can't do it and let's go._

 _The man gets up and quickly goes around the car to the passenger side, while He feels his legs give out on him as he collapses to the ground. Thoughts whirl around his head of obey the command, kill the witnesses and get the stuff - The serum- for the rest of the Winter Soldiers._

 _He is so absorbed in his thoughts, that he doesn't hear the gravel crunch behind him then suddenly there is sound of a gun being cocked and placed against the back of his head, while he now breathes shakily._

 _The barrel of it slides downwards - down his neck - until it stops at a certain point in his spine, then pushes in slightly as though them man wants him to get up, but the Winter Soldier reacts before he can stop himself._

 _The man struggles with the gun and that's when all of it goes wrong. There is flash of white light and he hears a muffled bang as covered by cloth, while the old man now as face of shock written on his face as he says one name, as he crumples to the ground._

 _"Sargent Barnes!?" The man says - his voice sounding shocked and surprised - as blood now pools through his what he is wearing and collapses into his arms as he grabs the man, while a hand reaches upwards - wrenching the mask off and flinging it to one side - then it touches his cheek making the Winter Soldier, gasp weakly as the old man does so._

 _A memory of someone else - maybe the same man - touching his cheek, comes to the front of his mind then trickles away like water through a sieve, as the hand slips away as the body in his arms goes still._

 _He lets go of it, just as something made of metal, hits him the head hard. Blinding pain shoots through him and white stars appear his vision as the other person - he had forgotten about the woman - hits him again and again, until he lunges at her legs, knocking her flat on the ground._

 _After her struggles, have ceased to stop, he knows removes his hand from her throat and gets stumbling backwards as he does so. There is nothing, but silence now._

 _Empty Silence. Two dead bodies lying on the ground and smell of petrol burning, as black smoke starts to rise into the night sky._

 **End of Flashback**

A heavy gasp escapes me, as I shoot up in the bed, feeling sweat start to run down my body in thick rivulets, while Steve, sensing that I'm awake again from a nightmare – because after the first one we had gone back to bed- immediately sits up and places a hand on my shoulder - on the skin part just near the metal, to reassure me that everything is alright when it was not.

"I killed them, I remember killing them. The man and the woman, who had son. They were both named Stark. " I said, as he


	2. Chapter 2

A _heavy gasp escapes me, as I shoot up in the bed, feeling sweat start to run down my body in thick rivulets, while Steve, sensing that I'm awake again from a nightmare – because after the first one we had gone back to bed- immediately sits up and places a hand on my shoulder - on the skin part just near the metal, to reassure me that everything is alright when it was not._

 _"I killed them, I remember killing them. The man and the woman, who had son. They were both named Stark. " I said, as he..._ slides his hand off my shoulder and gets out the bed, while I hear go into the bathroom then close the door behind him.

I had revealed a part of me that was the Winter Soldier, to him and now he knew the truth about Stark's parents. I had killed, all because of the Serum that H.Y.D.R.A, wanted to use to make their own Soldiers. I had been the first test and had survived every mission that been handed down to me. I was scared now, that Steve, would ask me more questions and I would not know the answers.

The chasm between us, was getting wider and wider with each inch we became further apart from eachother. I loved him, so much and wanted to remember what I had but the memories of my past were coming back to haunt me.

The Avenger's Tower is gleaming like a tall spectre in the morning sunlight as I get out the cab and look up the building, which drew everyone attention to it. It was thing of glass and harsh black metal, while I wonder what had forced Stark, to build it.

"Bucky, are you coming?" Steve asks, making me come out of my thoughts and now see that he is standing at the entrance of the tower.

I nod silently and going up to him then step into the shadows of the doorway as he opens the one of the large doors, while I try to calm my pounding heart.

To be Continued


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3. Apologises to any fans reading this as I was typing quickly for Chapter 2. Now will we find what Tony is going to do and how the rest of the Avengers are going to cope with it.

Darvinus: Hey, writer. Ins't it time you introduced us..nehh

Me: Oh, yes. I was getting to that, Darvinus.

?: What's happening, Darvi-chan?

Darvinus: DON'T CALL ME THAT. Why you (gets out sword and attacks unknown speaker)

?: Ahh..Darvi-chan..No

Me: (Sigh)

* * *

 _The Avenger's Tower is gleaming like a tall spectre in the morning sunlight as I get out the cab and look up the building, which drew everyone attention to it. It was thing of glass and harsh black metal, while I wonder what had forced Stark, to build it._

 _"Bucky, are you coming?" Steve asks, making me come out of my thoughts and now see that he is standing at the entrance of the tower._

 _I nod silently and going up to him then step into the shadows of the doorway as he opens the one of the large doors, while I try to calm my pounding heart._

 _(From Chapter 2)_

* * *

The rest of the Avenger's are in the sitting area, which is also a kitchen as I step out the elevator with Steve, who walks ahead of me as I remain in the shadows to compose myself before I face them, as well as the man who's parents I killed.

Stark, I can see is sitting at the bar, while sipping a tumbler of brandy as he flicks through stuff on his tablet and taking a deep breath then step out into the light streaming through the blinds on the large windows, while suddenly two of the Avengers, except for Steve, Tony and another man with light brown and glasses, point their weapons in front of me.

The guy has a bow, meaning that this was Clint Barton or Hawkeye as he was known, while the woman with short, curly crimsom hair was Natasha Romanoff - the Black Widow - who eye's are flicking up and down me to ascertain whether or not I was armed. Stepping closer to her, I feel a presence across from me, which makes me turn my head as I look at the person - no not a person, but A.I - who now looked at me as landed on the floor, so quietly that you could hear a pin drop.

"He is not a threat. I scanned his body language and it is not bringing up any warnings that he intends to kill anyone in this room." the A.I, says while the two assassin's lowered their weapons, but still acting tense around me.

Steve, come over to me and placed a hand on my arm as I now allowed my body to relax. The soldier in me, was slowly coming out and was scared that maybe Stark, was right. That I wasn't the person he knew anymore, but assassin with no emotion, just a hollow shell of his friend that he known in the war.

"Bucky." I hear Steve, say while I see that my metal hand is shaking and I quickly compose myself by moving away from him.

Going over to the window, I look out as I now breathe in and out as my heart thuds against my ribcage, while hearing Stark ask Steve if he can talk with him in private. To reassure me that he is here for me , he comes up to me and placed a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently then I hear walk away from me.

Time passes by slowly as I now sit in one of the sofas in the Avenger's tower sitting room, reading one of the books on the bookshelf and the only sound is the turning of the page as I go onto the next chapter. The book was story that I had not read before, but something about the words I were reading reminded me of time a long time of someone reading to me.

The words they had said though had been used to bring out the Winter Soldier in me and I now remembered afterwards that I would become uncontrollable. Something that couldn't be stopped, by anyone.

The book now slides off my lap as a memory flashes before my eyes and I distantly hear a muffled thud as it hits the carpet, while I now feel my metal hand and arm start to shake as everything when I was being controlled comes flooding back hard.

Getting up, I weakly place my head in my hands as I try to shut out the multiple voices that all come in different languages. Some are commanding and others are begging for mercy as faces of my victims appear in front of me as I know collapse on both knees on the soft carpet. My body is now trembling, so much that I wrap my arms around myself as tears now form in my eyes then start to run down my cheeks in thick riveluets.

"Do you see now, my darling Fraulin." A voice from my past, suddenly says and weakly lift my head to stare straight into the eyes of the man, who had turned me into the Winter Soldier.


	4. Chapter 4

_Getting up, I weakly place my head in my hands as I try to shut out the multiple voices that all come in different languages. Some are commanding and others are begging for mercy as faces of my victims appear in front of me as I know collapse on both knees on the soft carpet. My body is now trembling, so much that I wrap my arms around myself as tears now form in my eyes then start to run down my cheeks in thick riveluets._

 _"Do you see now, my darling Fraulin." A voice from my past, suddenly says and weakly lift my head to stare straight into the eyes of the man, who had turned me into the Winter Soldier._

 _(From Chapter 3)_

* * *

The person in front of me is dead and I remember that it had just been another mission - one of that would be my last.

 _Flashback:_

 _Russia, Moscow. Snow is falling outside the cracked window as stares quietly at the man who sits in the chair, near the writing bereau, that has the little red book with black star on it. The man hasn't said, a word yet. He wonders was the man, maybe waiting to see what he would do._

 _"Are you going kill me, Fraulin." The man says, as he flinches at the word - the word, that the man had used everytime when they were alone in a room with closed curtains and a locked door._

 _"Yes." He replys to the man, who sighs softly and throws something at him, which he catches._

 _A key, which glints in his hand and looks at the keyhole shape in the bereau, then heads over to it. He places the key in it and opens it, only to reveal the hollow space where the book had been._

 _Standing up straight, as he hears a gun being cocked, behind his head then turns around. A harsh light sears his eyes and feels pain shoot through him as the bullet makes impact with flesh then there are more loud explosions. He walks forward, as blood now begins to seep through the uniform, he wears towards the man, who is now stumbling backwards, his gun hand now shaking._

 _He brings out the Swiss Army knife, and as the man falls onto the bed, he leans over his victim then stabs downwards, covering the man's lips - the man who ruined his life - hearing a muffle gasp, come from his victim then takes his mouth off. The man, now lays there deathly pale and no longer moving while he gets up then as sound of music, wafts from downstairs, he lets out the breath he has been holding._

 _End of Flashback_

When I come out the flashback, Steve, is in front of me and looking at me with concern, then gently helps me up. He leads me over to the elevator and we step inside, while he presses the down button as I feel his hand, around my side, stroke my hip lightly to reassure me that everything was okay now. I would ask him later what had transpired between him and Stark.


	5. Chapter 5

_When I come out the flashback, Steve, is in front of me and looking at me with concern, then gently helps me up. He leads me over to the elevator and we step inside, while he presses the down button as I feel his hand, around my side, stroke my hip lightly to reassure me that everything was okay now. I would ask him later what had transpired between him and Stark._

* * *

It seems that, Steve, didn't want to talk about what had transpired between him and that man. Instead, he dashes me up against the apartment wall near the window, making the same picture fall onto the ground, while I feel him now brings my hands up above my head and pin them to the wall as he bends down to my neck, which makes me tilt my head back to give him better access.

I can't breathe, suddenly and it feels as my heart pounds in my ears, that I got a fever as my blood feels like it is boiling inside me. His hand, slides down my thigh, caressing it softly as he lifts it up as I now gasp and pant as his lips-warm and moist -trail up and down my neck, while my eyes flutter close.

Everything, seems too overwhelming me and weakly unclench and clench, my hands as I buck against him, while he lifts his head from my neck as he breathes labourly against my shoulder.

"Bucky...I want to make love to you again." He whispers in my ear, as I weakly quiver against him at the huskiness of it then lower my head to look at him as he lifts head to look at me.

"Steve, I love you, so much. Don't ever let me go." I said, as I felt my voice break with emotion as I said it, while he immediately takes me from the wall then lays me down on the futon.

* * *

The moonlight is streaming through the gap in the curtain as I now stare up at Steve, who bends down and covers my lips, with his. Moving my lips against his, I feel his hand slides downwards and I hear in the darkness the sound of my belt, being unbuckled and slid off.

It hits the floor with a muffled clink noise, while my zip is now being pulled down by him then his hand, slips underneath, making me let go of his lips to gasp weakly as it touches me intimately, down there.

He looks at me, as my face now becomes flushed with sweat and I watch now, as he slides down my body then pulling my jeans down a bit, bends his head down between my open thighs.

A harsh cry comes from and I weakly slide both hands down, one taking hold of his cheek to stroke gently, while the other entangling with his short blond hair as everything dissolves in a haze of ecstacy and pleasure.

* * *

Darvinus: AHHH!?

Me: Darvinus?! What? In all of blazes are you doing?

Darvinus: It attacked me.

Me: Oh. Right, you mean..

?: Darvi-chan?! (Writer and Darvinus are bowled over by unknown muse)

Me: See you, next time fans. I hope in ..ow..ow..better condition (Writer now walking away, holding their back as dust bowl fight goes on behind them.)


	6. Chapter 6

_The moonlight is streaming through the gap in the curtain as I now stare up at Steve, who bends down and covers my lips, with his. Moving my lips against his, I feel his hand slides downwards and I hear in the darkness the sound of my belt, being unbuckled and slid off._

 _It hits the floor with a muffled clink noise, while my zip is now being pulled down by him then his hand, slips underneath, making me let go of his lips to gasp weakly as it touches me intimately, down there._

 _He looks at me, as my face now becomes flushed with sweat and I watch now, as he slides down my body then pulling my jeans down a bit, bends his head down between my open thighs._

 _A harsh cry comes from and I weakly slide both hands down, one taking hold of his cheek to stroke gently, while the other entangling with his short blond hair as everything dissolves in a haze of ecstacy and pleasure._

* * *

"Bucky, look at me." I hear,Steve, suddenly say as I wonder when did I close my eyes then open them to look at him.

He is leaning over me now and I can that his face his flushed with sweat, while his chest rises and falls under the greyish blue shirt, he wears then he bends down and covers my lips with his. The kiss is gentle and soft, as we now move our lips against each other's, changing the position, once and every while.

I can feel against my groin - the ever defiant bulge -in his trousers, as he now lets go of my lips to look down at me. He wanted me and I could see it by the way his eyes had now expanded, glinting with something I hadn't seen before. He flips all of sudden and I feel him now-slowly and gently-pull my jeans down, along with my boxers then I hear the rustling of his clothing as he slides them off, slightly.

He takes hold of me and pushes his hips forward, making gasp softly in the stillness of the room then as he slides under my shirt, now feel start to undulate his hips back and forth. It's gentle and slow, as though he is afraid that he will lose me again, like last time when I fall down into the abyss then find by H.Y.D.R.A's scientist Armin Zola, who had handed me to the Russians so that they could use me as weapon.

Suddenly I feel, Steve, has stilled against me and his now holding me up on my knees, close to his chest. Turning my head, I move my hips back slowly, which draws a gasp from him, then slowly begin to rock my hips back and forth as he now does the same. Harsh gasps and soft pants, now breaks the silence of the room as we slowly make love between the two us, clasping each other's hands on my chest.

"Promise, Steve, Promise me, that you never let me go." I gasp out, as I turn my face to look at him, while taking hold of the back of his head, entangling with the short blond hair.

"I promise, Bucky. By my life, I swear I'll never let you go." He said, then sealed the promise with a kiss as everything dissolved into love and care for each other.

* * *

Me: Darvinus. I think is time we introduced "It".

Darvinus: Alright. (Slumps in defeat). Matiu, come out now.

Matiu: Darvi-chan, you called (Sweeps his hair back as he appears and does a dramatic pose of Mikisugi from Kill la Kill, while Darvinus slaps his forehead)

Me: Matiu, introduce yourself.

Matiu: Hey, everyone. My name is Matiu and please be nice enough to leave a review (Does a sexy pose, while the writer rolls eyes)

Me: You met him and I will see you ..(suddenly interrupted and is bowled over the edge by a speeding object) ...NEEEEEEEEEEXT TIMMMMMMMMMMMME.

(Silence and the sound of some one laughing, as writer now groans in agony as they go off screen)


	7. Chapter 7

_"Promise, Steve, Promise me, that you never let me go." I gasp out, as I turn my face to look at him, while taking hold of the back of his head, entangling with the short blond hair._

 _"I promise, Bucky. By my life, I swear I'll never let you go." He said, then sealed the promise with a kiss as everything dissolved into love and care for each other._

* * *

The morning sun is now filtering through a gap in the curtain as I wake up and everything that had happened last night as it all comes back to me as I remember what last night had been like for me.

We had made love and yet deep down, something hadn't felt right about it, as though he was keeping something from me, that he didn't want to tell me.

Had Stark, threaten him and told me to stay way from me, because of my past. I didn't know the answer to that question and it was making scared at the fact.

He was moving away from me, with each step, he took in the opposite direction. I get off the sofa and head to the bathroom, deciding I need a shower to calm my nerves, as well as think about what is happening between Steve and me.

The shower water, is lukewarm, as I tilt my head back to allow it run down my body and sigh softly, as it washes away the grime and dirt on my skin. Turning around, I now lean against the tiled wall of shower as I now feel like maybe that Stark, was right about me.

I was no longer the friend from Steve's past, but someone else that no longer remembered the times that had been shared between each other. Had, I not fallen into that abyss, then maybe things would be different and I wouldn't be like this - the man, with metal arm and Russia's top most Assassin.


	8. Chapter 8

_Writer: So I'm back from falling of the edge of that precipe and this will be brief. New chapter and Stark, plotting something which will be fully detailed in time._

 _STARK: (Appears out of nowhere) Could we have a chat?_

 _Writer: I'll think about it. Enjoy the chapter, folks and please leave a review of what you think about it._

The morning sun is now filtering through a gap in the curtain as I wake up and everything that had happened last night as it all comes back to me as I remember what last night had been like for me.

We had made love and yet deep down, something hadn't felt right about it, as though he was keeping something from me, that he didn't want to tell me.

Had Stark, threaten him and told me to stay way from me, because of my past. I didn't know the answer to that question and it was making scared at the fact.

He was moving away from me, with each step, he took in the opposite direction. I get off the sofa and head to the bathroom, deciding I need a shower to calm my nerves, as well as think about what is happening between Steve and me.

The shower water, is lukewarm, as I tilt my head back to allow it run down my body and sigh softly, as it washes away the grime and dirt on my skin. Turning around, I now lean against the tiled wall of shower as I now feel like maybe that Stark, was right about me.

I was no longer the friend from Steve's past, but someone else that no longer remembered the times that had been shared between each other. Had, I not fallen into that abyss, then maybe things would be different and I wouldn't be like this - the man, with metal arm and Russia's top most Assassin.

A note is on one of the pillows, when I come out of the bathroom and go over to the bed then pick it up, to look at it.

 _Bucky,_

 _Something private and important that Director Fury, wants to discuss with me as come up. I now, I should have waited and told you in person, but the Director insisted that it was urgent._

 _I will be back late. Some spare spagetti in pasta dish with the tinfoil is in the fridge._

 _Can be eaten cold._

 _Steve_

 _P.S. Stark, might be coming around at some point to talk to you, about some things. Don't let the young man, intimidate you and try not to start an argument with him._

I could understand that because of his job, that he would be called away for Missions or private information then folding it, place it in one of the draws, when I notice something hidden underneath some of the clothes then pull it out.

It is small box, with faded letters on it and open it, knowing maybe I shouldn't because they could be private then see it was memory stick with logo on it that I recognise as S.H.I.E.L.D then close it, place it on the bed.

Had Stark, given it to him. The memory stick looked new and made me, think that Steve, probably knew everything about me now.

I head to the cupboard, opening and grab a hoody, black t-shirt and jeans, along with boxers from the chest of drawers then get changed into the clothes, feeling like I shouldn't be doing this.

But, the problem was he had placed himself in danger and H.Y.D.R.A would use the information that they had obtained electronically to find out where he lived, where it was and how he had got the information.

I grab a rucksack and stuff, some spare clothes in then place the box inside as well, then head for the front door, grabbing the spare key.

I unlock the door and step out onto the landing, hearing footsteps coming from upstairs then close the door, behind me and lock it as the figure of Stark, appears around the corner of the stairs.

"Leaving, are you?" I hear him, asking me as he comes up to me and stands in front of me, effectively blocking me.

"Why do you want to know, Stark? As far as I know, you gave him that memory stick and everything that was done to me, he probably knows now. It's better if you hadn't intef..." I begin to say, only to suddenly feel him, whirl me around.

He moves my hand, twisting it up and pinning me it behind my back as he takes the key out my hand then after unlocking the door, pushes me inside and shutting the door behind him with his foot.

"I think it's better if we talk inside here and not out in the landing. " He says, while I manage to get free and away from him then breathing heavily, turn around to fully face him as he comes up to me.

"Just, let me go, Stark. I can't let them, find him and take me back. I CAN'T." I said, shouting the lasts words as my voice breaks in the process and soon wrap my arms around myself, while tears form in my eyes then he is front of me.

"Of course, you want to leave. But, would Steve, think if you left without anything to tell him why. Or maybe, it would be better if you did." He whispers, in my ear, while I can feel his hot breath on my neck then moves his head away to look at me as I glare at him.

"You, bastard. You, why you doing this to..." I begin to say, when he places a finger on my lips and shushes me, like I was some kind of child - who was having a tantrum - then placing a hand on my chest, pushes me back until my back hits the wall near the window.

"Maybe I'm jealous, maybe because I know about your past from S.H.I.E.L.D records and maybe, because, your not the only one with secrets." He says, while moving his hand off my chest to place it near my head on the wall then leans closer to me, making me turn my face away as I flinch, which he notices.

"And you want me to leave, as well. You don't control me, Stark, like your Father did you." I said, voice rising slightly with anger as I turn to glare at him then suddenly feel, his hand slap me across my cheek hard, splitting my botttom lip in the process.

He grabs my chin, turning it so I look at him and it suddenly reminds of another time, another place when I had been grabbed like this then before I even think about, placing my my hands on his chest, push him away from me.

He falls onto the floor, with muffled thud at the sametime that the door opens and Steve, who has just come in stands there looking at me with shock as I lower my hands to my side then my lower my head to stare at the floor.

I hear Stark, getting up and saying something to Steve, that I don't hear then the door closes behind the man, leaving me now alone with my lover. I feel numb inside, that he seen that and when he comes up to me, wait for him to say something.

He doesn't, instead heads into the kitchen and lift my head to see that he is sorting the shopping then going up to him, I reach out for him. My hand shakes, just as my fingertips are about to touch his shoulder and I lower my hand down then he fully turns around to face me.

"Steve..I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Stark, tried..." I begin to say, but my voice breaks with emotion and I turn away from him, so he doesn't see that I'm breaking down in front of him then his arms wrap around me, from behind.

"I don't care, Bucky. Your, here with me and that is all that's matters." He says, while I turn my face to look at him and he kisses me, lightly on the lips then becomes bolder as I turn around in his arms, while he lifts me up.

Now, in the bedroom and our clothes on floor in a heap, Steve lays me down on the bed cover and gets over me then bends his head down, kissing me lightly on the lips. I kiss back and take hold of him, feeling the way his lips move against mine then he lets go of them to look down at me.

I nod silently for him to continue and feel him push his hips forward then slowly, gently he starts to move his hips back and forth as I hold him close to me. I just allow the sensations to fill me and try not to think that I'm going to have to leave him at some point in life.

When he lifts his head, I take hold of both of his cheeks with my hands and still hold them as breathless gasps and pants fill the bedroom. All I can think is him and only him at the moment, over me, inside me and holding me as I soon arch my back crying out his name in tearful cry, when it hits.

I loved him, I loved Steve. I loved him.


	9. Chapter 9

_Did I love Steve?_

 _Did I love him?_

Those questions, revolve around in my head and turning my face on the pillow to look at my sleeping lover, know that because I was afraid of H.Y.D.R.A taking me away again that could not answer that question at all.

"Steve…...I love you so much. Yet, I'm so afraid." I whisper, shakily then because it is too much - causing my throat to feel tight suddenly - slide out the bed, head into the bathroom then closing the door behind me, go over to the sink.

I place my hands on it to stabilize myself, shoulders shaking so much and hitched sobs begin to fill the silence of the bathroom, coming from me as thick tears run down both my cheeks in rivulets. They plip into the sink and can't stop crying, so much that because of it, I don't hear him coming into the bathroom.

"Bucky…What's wrong? Tell me." He says, making me shake my head at him and continue to keep my head lowered from his sight.

I did not want Steve, to see me like this – see me breaking down – and his comfort is what I need now then lifting my head, turn to fully face him. He comes up to me, pulling me close to him and the both of sink to the bathroom floor on our knees.

"It's okay…. I'm here for you…. It's alright, Bucky…. I'm here for you."

A hand is sifting through my hair and the other, rubbing up and down my back to soothe me. I soon feel my body go limp in his grip, the tears no longer running down my cheeks and he picks me up in his arms then carries me out of the bathroom.

"Steve…...could you get me drink of water?" I ask him, my throat feeling tight from all the crying I've done and hear him sorting the pillows, behind my back then helps me sit up against them.

He heads out the bedroom, keeping the door open so I can see him and goes to the kitchen, getting a clean mug from the drainage rack then hear the tap, being run. I just hoped that no neighbors, across from his apartment didn't see him passing the window – that needed a new curtain - with nothing on and soon he is back through, carrying a glass of water.

He takes hold of the back of my head, cradling it gently and places the rim of the glass against my lips as I begin to gulp the water down, slowly. It soothes my throat, making me push his hand away when I had enough, and he places it on the bedside table then the bed dips slightly, while he sits down on it to look at me.

"Tell me. It will be better, getting it off your chest." He says, making me lower my head to stare at my hands – the fleshed one and the metal one, that been given to me by H.Y.D.R.A – and not answer him at all then feel him, taking hold of both my cheeks.

He leans forwards, kissing my forehead, eyelids and soon, lips in a gentle kiss that makes me tremble – because of it – then he pulls back to look at me. He reaches up, stroking a strand of hair from my forehead and tucking it, behind my ear then placing a hand on my chest, pushes me back to lay down.

He slides off the bed, pulling the cover back and slips inside, placing himself up against me then bringing it back up, switches the lamp off then sliding an arm over me, allows me to bury my face into his chest. I wait, for quite a while for him to fall asleep and knowing I shouldn't be doing it, slip out the bed without making a noise. I look back at him, before I shrug the clothes back on, seeing his calm face – not disturbed of any nightmares – and it causes my chest to ache that I go over to him then bending down kiss his forehead, gently and whisper, what might be my last words.

" _Forgive me, Steve. But, there is something I must do."_

* * *

The car park of "AVENGER'S TOWER" is empty, except for one car parked in the far back and heading to the lift, press the button as I wait quietly with the hood covering my face. I sense something, watching me and looking up, see that the camera is zooming in on my face then pulls back to its original position as the lift doors, soon slide open. I step inside, going to the back and leaning against the railing, stare at the floor as the doors slide shut in front of me.

The lift judders slightly, soon moving upwards with the machinery above on the cables hums with the energy that powers it and wonder had it been Stark, looking at me through the camera's feed to see who come to visit so late at night then bringing my hand up, slide the hood down to ruffle a hand through my hair. I would need to get a haircut at same point, even though I liked it when Steve, took hold of it in his hand and held it, sifting his hand through it to remind him that part of his childhood friend was still within me.

Yet, here I was heading to very top floor to talk to Stark, about what he said to me before he had reminded of that other time and I had pushed him as Steve, came in the door.

 _What had he meant when he said, "You're not the only one with secrets"?_

 _Did he mean, that when I had been supposedly dead, when in the hands of the Russians – who trained me to become a cold-blooded killer, named the Winter Soldier – that something had happened between him and Steve._

 _I had killed more people, instead of letting them escape and get away from me._

 _And, Steve, did he know how much stained my hands from my victims that had been innocent?_

 _How many had begged me to let them go?_

 _How many orphans I had made in the world, where I had done my missions?_

I come out of my thoughts, when the lift comes to halt at the top floor and the lift doors, slide open to reveal the sitting room. The lights have been dimmed low and stepping out the lift, the doors sliding shut behind me then see that Stark, is sitting in one of the armchairs near the large window. In his hand, he holds loosely a glass of bourbon filled with ice and going up to him, see that he is just looking down at the flickering lights of the city, down below as cars, go back and forth on the road.

He wasn't doing anything with his drink, so taking it out of his hand, I head over to the kitchen area and pour the alcohol down the sink drain then wash the glass out. Placing it on the rack, I head back over to him and stand in front of him, seeing that he is still staring into space then bringing my hand up, turn his face by his chin so he looks at me.

Brown eyes flick upwards to mine, soon lowering back down to not look at me and go to pick up the bottle of bourbon that is near window, when suddenly I'm whirled around then find myself slammed against the glass window by him that it knocks the breath out of me.

Winded by that action, I now slump against the glass with pain radiating up my spine and lift my head up to look at him to say something, only for him to smash his lips into mine with such force that I give a muffled gasp of shock and surprise that he was doing this then try to get free from him, only to feel him fully pin me to the large window with shove of hips into mine.

I'm trapped and can do nothing at all, while my hands are taken hold of by my wrists then brought above my head to be pinned to the glass as they un-clench and clench. I don't want to think that this happening to me, feeling his tongue probing around my mouth and begins to coax my tongue to soon entwine with his as saliva trickles out the side of my mouth, running down my chin.

I'm starting to feel hot, like I was being licked by tiny little flames and my hips begin to buck against his groin as it affects me down below. I was becoming aroused by just him, doing this to me and when he lets go of my lips, gasp breathlessly in the stillness of the sitting room with my face flushed, cheeks reddened, lips swollen, and pupils expanded so much that it told him that I had become aroused by the kiss.


	10. Chapter 10

**Steve's P.O.V:**

" _Forgive me, Steve. But, there is something I must do."_

"Haa…. Bucky?!"

I gasp his name, sitting up with my hand out in front of me and lower it back down, again to see that his side of the bed is empty with no note on the bedside table to tell me what he was going to do, where he was going and why.

Only those words, that were repeating in my head and lower my head to stare at the duvet cover, feeling tears that had started to form, run down my cheeks then shoulders trembling, begin to cry with hitched gasps. I bring a hand up, covering my eyes with it at the fact that maybe Bucky, had been afraid of something that he wasn't telling me and that he left, because he didn't want to lose me.

 _Bucky, where are you?_

 _Where are you?_

 **Winter Soldier's P.O.V:**

 _What…have…I done?!_

 _Why…. I'm still here in Stark's bedroom?!_

 _Why…...did this happen to me?!_

I'm lying under the silk covers of Stark's large king-size bed on my front with my head laid to one side on the light blue pillow as he strokes a hand up and down my back, caressing it softly then kisses it lightly with his lips. It makes me tense slightly at his warm, moist lips on my skin and grip the pillow slightly with my metal hand as he does it then kisses my shoulder, lightly with his lips.

He pulls back, bringing a hand up to my hair and sifting his fingers through it that I shift away from him, only to be suddenly pulled back by him as he turns my face by my chin.

His hazel eyes – like his Father's – consider mine and soon he covers my lips, muffling any protest that I'm about to make at him as it feels like he is forcibly starving me of oxygen.

Letting go of the pillow, I place it on his shoulder and manage to push him away from me.

Holding him away from my lips, seeing that he is looking down at me and flicks his eyes to his shoulder then takes hold of it.

He pries it off, bringing my metal hand to his lips and starts to trail his lips over the fingertips, making me start to tremble at the feel of it – because the metal arm was connected to the nerves in my severed shoulder, so I could feel pain or anything else that happened to it – then he fully takes two fingers into his warm, moist mouth that I try to pull my hand away.

He doesn't allow me, just swirls his tongue around them and coating the metal with saliva as I tremble under him then he stops, doing it to me. He pulls me up, flush against his chest and bends down to my neck, soon trailing his lips up and down that I take hold of his arm – gently - feeling my eyes flutter close as he moves in certain way with his lips that even though my face was turned away, I can't stop myself from gasping breathlessly in the silence of the bedroom.

"Stop…. Stark…. Stop, right now." I gasp out, making him pull back from me and look at me, seeing how my chest is rising and falling heavily then managing to pull away from him, slide off the bed to stand near the window that has the blinds on it, slanted slightly as sunlight streams through the gap of them.

I needed to get out of here.

I needed to get back to Steve.

"Do you love him?" Stark suddenly asks me, which makes me turn around to face him and wonder did I just hear right then he repeats it again to me. "Do you love, Steve?"

He comes up to me, looking at me in way that is makes me not want to answer him at all and turn my face away to one side so that I don't have to look at him. His hand takes hold of my metal arm and he steps closer to me, pressing his naked body up against mine as he forces me to walk backwards. The blinds make slight metallic noise, when my back meets them and feel him bury his face into the crook of my neck, inhaling deeply as he moves his hand up to hold my shoulder.

I stay still, heart thudding against my ribcage and try to make sense of all of what he is doing then he places his lips on my neck. I go to move, when suddenly slight pain goes through my neck and making me gasp in shock at the fact that he was forming a Love-bite on a place that Steve, would know doubt see then pulls away from me. I bring a shaky hand up to my neck, touching where he had given me it and turn my face to glare at him as he just quietly watches me.

"I'm leaving." Is all I say to him, while picking up my clothes and shrugging them on as he watches from the bed that the both of us had sex in with evidence of the ruffled covers and the headboard crack slightly due to me gripping for support.

 _What have I done?_

 _What have I done to myself to lay with this man?_

 _A man, who's intentions are slowly being revealed one by one_.

 _What would Steve think of me, now if he found out what had transpired between me and Stark?_

 **Steve's P.O.V:**

How long I have been sitting on the bed, staring at the picture of me and Bucky, I couldn't tell. I was feeling slightly numb inside, that the fact that he just left in the night and whisper those words to me, while I had pretended to be asleep. I should have gone after him, before he reached the front door and held him back to tell him to stay here with me.

With the person, who loved him and getting up off the bed, I head to the bedroom door then opening it, go to head to the kitchen then see that someone is standing in the shadows of the sitting room.

Their face is in shadow and so, I can't tell who it is at all then they step into the light to reveal a face that makes my heart skip a beat. It just wasn't possible that in front of me, was a man who had last seen was being absorbed by the Tesseract and he comes right up to me, looking straight into my eyes with one good eye as the other one had long scar running down it – so that he was permanently blinded in his left eye – then before, I can do anything punches me hard in the gut with clenched fist that give a choked gasp as I hunch over it.

I can't breathe, properly and suddenly feel him wrench my head back by my hair, so I'm looking at him as he smirks at me then pulls his fist away, to grip my chin with his gloved hand. He turns my face, side to side to look at both angles then let's go of my chin, holding it with his gloved hand.

"I see. So, you're not fighting because you know I got the upper hand. It's been while, since I last saw you and already a lot of has happened that you don't know about." He says, noticing that I'm frowning at him as I try to figure out what he means by that and he leans down to my ear to then whisper in it. "Your lover, James Buchanan Barnes had sex with Anthony Stark last night and if you don't believe me, ask him yourself, Steven."

His eyes, stare into mine and he steps forward into me that suddenly he dissipates into a fine mist like he never been standing in front of me in the first place.

Bringing my hand up, I see that it is trembling and begin to wonder what had just transpired.

What had just happened to me?

How was it possible that he had been here?


	11. Chapter 11

**Winter Soldier's P.O.V:**

Something is wrong.

I couldn't tell what it was. But, it was something when I come into the apartment and see that Steve, is sitting in the armchair near the window. Staring out of it, with one elbow propped up on the armrest of it and closing the door behind, lock it then head over to him, placing the keys on the coffee table. His face in in shadow and I can't tell whether he is angry at me leaving him last night without a note to tell him, where I was going then standing in front of him, he turns his gaze away from the mirror to look at me.

I flinch at the gaze, he gives me and step back slightly at it then he gets up out of the armchair. It's the way, that he does it that makes image of other man from my dark past flash in mind, compensating himself over Steve and making me shake my head to side to side as I try to deny what is starting to happening to me then hands take hold of my arms, pushing me backwards until my back hits the wall with muffled thud. I look at him, but it's like he wasn't in control of himself and he leans close to me, making me turn my face away to one side because it was reminding me of that man.

Not Anthony Stark, who I had lustful sex with last night.

But, the man who had trained me to become a killer and who I had killed that snowy night. Severing all ties to them.

"Steve, control yourself." I whisper, making him stop and he pulls back from me then collapses that I quickly grab hold of him to make sure he doesn't hit the floor.

His hands which hold my arms slip off and hang loosely by his sides as he sways back and forth, slightly then lifts his head to look at me. I want to turn my face away from seeing the tears that have formed starting to run down his cheeks and yet, I mustn't because deep down inside I love him.

Bringing my hands up, I take hold of both his cheeks and his eyes flicks upwards to look at me then leaning forwards, place my lips against his as he brings his hands up to rest on my chest. He is still trembling, tears still running down his cheeks and taking hold of him, lift him up into my arms then carry him into the bedroom.

I lay him down, lifting myself up slightly to look down at him and see that his crying is hitched sobs, while he seems to want to turn his face away from me. I bring a hand to his cheek, cupping it lightly and stroking it lightly with my thumb then decide that make the both of us a cup of tea.

I move away from him, keeping the bedroom door open so he can see that I'm just going to the kitchen then after filling the kettle with water, stand near the sink while it boils away in the silence of the kitchen area. Steve, looking back at him as gotten out his sketchbook and is calmly drawing away like he done when I was James Buchanan Barnes, that seeing it makes me smile softly at the sight of it.

The kettle clicking to say that is finished, makes me come out the haze and grabbing the mugs place near it then opening a cupboard, reach for the tea bags which in the far back of it. It happens so quickly that I was reaching for them, only to find myself kneeling on the floor holding a bleeding hand and trembling so much that I hear Steve, rushing out of the bedroom over to me.

He sees the glass of jar of marmite, that been knocked over as I had reached for the tea bags, and looking at me hauls me up away from the broken shards of glass then over to the sink, switching the tap on. Blood is plipping from hand into the sink and I try not to remember when I had held that knife with the blood of the guards on it that made the same noise that was happening right now then he is placing it under the running water.

It begins to wash off my hand, swirling around and around the drain-hole like a small whirlpool as I lean against Steve, keeping my face turned away so it doesn't cause any flash-backs to happen then he pulls it away from the running water. He leads me over to the chair and sits me down, stroking a strand of hair from my forehead to tuck behind my ear then he heads back into the kitchen, opening a drawer and getting out some bandages. He comes over, taking one out and inspecting my hand – the cut that been made – picking up one of the large plasters then after placing it on, smiles softly at me.

"Sorry, I was trying to get the tea bags. It was so fast, when it happened and…" I say, only for him to cut my sentence short with a kiss on the lips that causes a blush to rise on them and he pulls back to look at me.

"Bucky, there is something I want to ask you." He says, taking something out of his back pocket and because his hand is tightly closed over it, have no clue to what it is then he opens to reveal something that makes my heart skip a beat as he then says the next words.

"Will…you mar…marry me, James Buchanan Barnes?"

I can't seem to breathe, my heart is thudding now against my chest and the blood rushing in my ears then grabbing hold of him, feeling him in the process slip the ring onto my finger, kiss him hard that he immediately wraps his arms around me, pulling up to my feet.

He pushes me, backwards up against the wall that did have a picture that had hung from hook on it and no longer was it there – after being knocked down more than once – then grabbing both my hands by my wrists, brings them up above my head to hold by my wrists in a gentle grip as the both of us kiss breathlessly.

Tongues, dance around each-other's mouths. Probing and caressing each time they meet either outside or inside, while saliva trickles down the side of our mouths as the kiss starts to become more heated that he takes hold of my thighs to hitch around his waist as I now take hold of the back of my soon-to-be Husband hair, sifting my metal hand through it. I feel at peace that he asked me this question and pulling back from his lips, see that his face is flushed – cheeks reddened so much that the color has spread completely over the both – and pupils expanded that I flick my eyes downwards to his groin.

He notices my gaze, making him bend his head down to his neck and stills suddenly against my whole body. He had noticed the Lust-bite that Stark had given me and pulls back from it to look at me to confirm what he had just seen was not true – it was not there at all – then his hands, take my thighs off his waist as he steps away from me. He can't seem to comprehend the fact that I had done something with Stark like that and before, I even can say anything a hand immediately slaps me across the face – causing me to small cry at it.

I stumble to one side, falling over onto the floor and starting to tremble so much begin to feel tears start to run down my cheeks heavily that when reaches out for me, I slap his hand away with such force that it sends the ring he brought – flying off my finger. My eyes go wide, when it pings off the pillar and a tinkling noise happens as it shoots through the window to soon land on the street below.

Both of us, one on the floor and the other just listen to the silence that soon comes afterwards then getting up, I head into the bedroom where I almost stumble in the process. He comes up to me, reaching out to place a hand on my shoulder and I feel the touch of his fingertips on it, when the doorbell startles the both of us as it breaks the awkward tension.

Steve, moves away and goes to the front door where I hear him talking to someone followed by sudden scuffling noise, a cry and soon a scream which sets about every nerve in my body on fire as I recognize my Lover screaming my name, only for something to happen as I quickly rush to the open doorway.

Just in time to see Steve, struggling with all his might as two large brutes haul him out of the Fire Escape and running to it, suddenly find myself being flung backwards by intense explosion that makes me roll down the landing corridor then hit the wall with a muffled thud. Ears ringing slightly, I look at the fully destroyed Fire Escape and feeling the Winter Soldier in me, rising, head back inside the apartment over to the place where Steve, had put my suit and his Shield.

 **Steve's P.O.V:**

" _Steven…Oh, Steven…Come on, wake up…. That's it."_

" _What do you want, Schmidt?"_

" _WAKE UP, SOLDIER AND GET US OUT OF HERE!?"_

Johan Schmidt – the Red Skull – shouting those words makes me, shoots my eyes wide open and see that is leaning over me, looking straight at me then I notice why he had shouted at me in that tone. I'm upside or more accurately the car that been placed in is upside down and starting to sink into water, which is lapping at the windows. I try to move, only for my body to jerk slightly and see that handcuffs are on my wrists that been attached to the steering wheel.

I can panic, just that fact that soon I'll be underwater and trying in vain to conserve oxygen then something hits the car with such force that before I can even prepare myself the back-window smashes apart with the rush of water that gushes straight into the car to fill it. I'm soon slammed up against the steering wall with such force, that redness shoots across my vision as harsh, blinding pain shoots through my chest like something had just snapped inside my body.

I try to keep my eyes open, only for them to slip close as I see before they do a figure diving into the water – who distantly look like Bucky.

 **Winter Soldier's P.O.V:**

The Ambulance crew that followed me, gently help me haul Steve out of the water of the large lake and onto a stretcher as they check him over then grab the life support system as I watch them with bated breath. I was frightened that I not been in time and yet, when he starts to cough, I go over to grip his hand, so he can tell that I'm there for him as he squeezes it, gently. He doesn't let go it, not even when I step into the ambulance with the crew and sit down on the bench, watching while his chest rises and falls slowly and the oxygen mask steam up slightly each time he breathes. I reach out with other hand to stroke a strand of damp hair from his forehead to tuck it behind his ear and he turns his face slightly, sensing that I'm close to him.

"Hang on, Steve. Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be alright." I keep on repeating to him, softly and just allow him to hold my hand as the Ambulance speeds through the streets of New York.

Telling him, that I was here and would always be for him. Because he was my Friend, Lover and soon-to-be Husband. The one, who saw his old friend inside the Winter Soldier that I had become.


	12. Chapter 12

**Steve's P.O.V:**

 **Flashback:**

" _Hey, are you okay?"_

" _I…I'm fine."_

" _No, you're not. Here, let me help you."_

 _A man, wearing as soldier's uniform helps me up and helps me to walk out the alleyway with one arm, slung over their shoulder then helps me walk up the metal stairs that lead to my apartment. The both of us reach the door, where with my trembling hand get out my key, only to drop it onto the mat, thankfully then he leans down, picking it up for me and slides it the lock. He turns it and we step inside the both of us, while he still with the key in his hand closes the door behind him then locking the front door, walks me into the sitting room._

 _He leads me around the sofa, with the swirling blue and red blanket still over the back of it and picking me up, so suddenly that give a slight "eep" noise at it then he is lying me down on it. He heads off into the kitchen, while I lay there with my head resting on the pillow and listen to the tap running then he comes back over holding a slightly damp cloth. Neither of us speak, while he wipes away the dried blood and dirt off my face then I notice that is looking at me in a certain way._

 _My cheeks heat up, blush rising on them so heavily and when he bends down, wonder should I be doing this then his hand is cupping my cheek, lightly as he bends down his head, kissing me lightly on my lips to test my reaction. I don't mind it and so, he bends down again to fully cover my lips as he gets between my legs which I part to allow him to slip between them. It is gentle and my First Kiss that I just bring my hand up to sift my hand through their soft hair._

" _Steve…my name is Steve Rogers."_

" _Bucky or James Buchanan Barnes. You can call me, Bucky if you want."_

" _Bucky…. kiss me, again."_

 **End of Flashback**

A heart monitor steadily beeping, muffled voices speaking nearby make me weakly flutter my eyes open to see a blurry vision of Bucky, talking to a person in a white coat then I going to move, a groan of pain comes from at the twinge that comes from around my waist.

"Steve?!" I hear, Bucky saying as he notices that I've woken up and comes rushing over to me as I weakly turn my head on the pillow, seeing it is him standing there as my vision fully clears to reveal I'm a Hospital Bed.

"Bucky…. What happened to me?" I gasp out, which makes him come around the bed and take hold of my hands, while he sits down in a chair placed close to the bed then goes to open his mouth, when the curtain is pulled back slightly as I see Stark is standing there.

 _Stark._

 _Why you here?_

 _What do want?_

 _Have you come to tell me something?_

 _I already know…. about what transpired between the two of you._

"I'm glad to see, you're okay…. Cap. If Bucky, hadn't dived into the water to save you. Well, let's not think about that now." He says, the bed dipping slightly under his weight as he sits down on it and looks at us both, while I notice Bucky, seems to tense at the gaze then something is being placed in the palm of my free hand, which looking down suddenly see it is the ring that I had given to Bucky.

I can't speak, because what had handed me was something which I had promised to Bucky then Stark, gets off the bed and standing up, straight looks at the both of us.

"Take good care of him." Stark says to Bucky, who nods silently in reply and soon the both of us are left alone, while I look at the ring in the palm of my right hand then turn my face to look at my lover.

Looking at his hand, I take hold of it and slip the ring back in the place – where I first put it – then he flicks his eyes up to me, leaning forwards to gently kiss me on the lips, which makes me pull him closer to me as it soon becomes a much deeper kiss. I change the position each time, hearing him start to breathe heavily through his nostrils and clamber into my lap, careful though to avoid where the bandage is wrapped around me.

He has managed to straddle me in some way and letting go of his lips, bend my head down to his neck – still seeing Stark's love bite, which he been given - then placing my lips against it, begin to trail them up and down.

 **Winter Soldier's P.O.V:**

I know, we shouldn't be doing this and should be letting him heal from what had happened to him. Yet, I can't stop him and begin to gasp breathlessly at the feel of him, trailing his lips up and down it then he pulls back from my neck.

I go to slide of him, when he grabs hold of me and flips me onto my back, getting over then places his hands, either side of my forehead. I feel almost vulnerable with him, looking down at me like this and yet, I know he is not an enemy in disguise then he moves to lay next to me, placing a hand on my chest.

"I... know you and Stark...were with each other. But, I know it was because he forced you too, with lust for you." He whispers, making me turn my face to look at him and taking hold of his hand, grip it tightly as he leans his face, closer to mine.

"I won't ask, I you know about it. Just, I love you, Steve...I love...you." I whisper, voice breaking in the process and soon, feel his lips cover mine in a gentle kiss, which becomes more heated when I press my body into his.

He fully takes hold of me, wrapping his arms around me then let's go of my lips, pulling my head down to rest on his chest. He says no more, just sifts his hand through my hair as the both of lay there on the Hospital bed, embracing each-other.

Holding each other and not letting go.


End file.
